I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
