The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
