onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
