ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
