It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
