What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
