I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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