seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
