You made me cry and you don't even care
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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