The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You dont lie about slip and slides
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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