I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
