ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
