I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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