took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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