i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
