11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
