I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We are all done wearing pants today
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
