he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
