so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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