WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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