if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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