Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
