So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
