she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
