2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
