I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
My ass is underappreciated
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
