Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
