I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I yelled at your uterus for you.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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