and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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