That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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