OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You can't special order awesome
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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