My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
