so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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