I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
