it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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