they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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