I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
