my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
