Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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