i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Randomize
