so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
