So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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