As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
