what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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