I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
