OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
