Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
