when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
