how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
