i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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