GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
