i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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