Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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