He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
