Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
