I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
